Who are you calling “Fatty”?

So, I’m an overweight exercise-impaired large-breasted fat bastard who needs to lose 2 stone in order to prevent impending health problems (…as if it takes registering with the nurse at a local GP’s to learn this? – Imagine my surprise?!…) Unfortunately, recent online shopping purchases resulted in my receiving promotional discount vouchers to be used at Figleaves.com. Having made further investment in properly fitting, quality underwear, I am now prevented from exercising or reducing my calorific intake until at least one of the “exquisitely embroidered chic” lacey numbers bears more resemblance to a shoe-shine… Shame.